Tuesday, September 17, 2013

....UNTIL NOW (-ish)

I've said it before and I will say it again. I've always been.....
*insert evil music here*

You know the one... the girl with a pretty face and a sweet/nice/great personality. (HA!)

UNTIL NOW(-ish).
I've never really had a great self esteem... like ever.

When I was a little girl I used to worry that I was fat -- which I totally wasn't.

When I was in Jr. High I didnt look like the other girls. I was getting heavy and I absolutely noticed. I was in a size 12 jeans by the 7th grade. Other girls had "boyfriends" and all that I had were boys that were good friends.

In high school I was friends with everyone --  a "vanilla kid" as my cousin calls it -- but I didn't have boyfriends. I didnt have many real friends or a clique either. I felt like it was just me... alone in a stupid "if youre not somebody... you're a nobody -- an outsider" school full of cheerleaders, athletes, skinny people, and those people that I would never look like. And then there was me... sitting alone with the guys with my camo pants on, my baggy tshirt, my loooooong pin-straight hair (not kidding. I could literally sit on it) and my love for science. I was smart --- and thats all that I had going for me as far as high school rules go -- and even that wasn't "cool."

(this wasn't even at its longest....)

I got to college and stopped caring what people thought, because people were so accepting of me. They didnt care, and why should I? I ate what I wanted and did what I wanted. No one really ever called me "pretty" and I knew I wasnt one of the skinny girls or the athletes --- but that was okay. I put my weight and my self-image on the backburner and did what I wanted. I had fun, instead of worrying about being unhealthy or the fat girl of the group.
It wasn't until I started losing weight that I realized where I really was.. and how far I had come. Nothing really changed at first.
The first 20 pounds came off and some peope noticed -- and some didnt.

It took losing 28 or 29 pounds total for people to really start noticing. At that point, I was basically down to a size 8 from a size 14 -- my body had really changed.

I went to an old friends wedding and she couldnt believe I had lost so much weight.

Then friends started making comments about what I was eating.
We went over to some friends of ours house and they made (in addition to what THEY wanted, I might add) turkey burgers.... just for me... because they knew I was watching my weight.

Then I would go back to RSU for board meetings or sorority meetings and everyone would say "wow Paula, you look incredible."

Lately, things have even gotten more REAL for me... as far as realization for what I have done and how far I have come is concerned.

The other night, I wanted to go dancing. I bought my very first pair of boots and I bought a dress (on sale!!) form JCP. I curled my hair and went out with friends and my boyfriend.

For the first time in a long time in foreverrrrrr I felt -- not like THAT girl --- but like the pretty girl in the room. I showed my boyfriend my outfit before I left and his eyes widened (even though I thought he might think I looked silly). He looked at me and at that moment I felt, finally, like the smart AND skinny AND funny AND beautiful woman (and girlfriend) that I always wanted to be.
I felt GOOD.
We got to Caravan to do some drinking/dancing when an old guy friend of mine walked up and said "HI" to everyone. He talked about his new job and how things have changed...
......it took him about 4 minutes into talking to stop - mid sentence - and say OH MY GOOOOOOOD I DIDNT EVEN RECOGNIZE YOUUUUU!!! and then continued to let his mouth hang open and repeat the previous sentence more times that I want to remember. Well, thats a lie --- I want to remember (and replay in my mind...over and over...and over) him repeating that silly little sentence with his wide eyes and gaping jaw.
All I could think was HEY!! ITS ME....PAULA! SURPRISE! haha
All I could do was laugh (and BLUSHH!) and thank him for being so kind.
It wasnt just him being KIND, It was him being TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, and ABSOLUTELY HONEST AND REAL. His reaction to my physical changes weren't fake or planned... it was GENUINE, and that made such a HUGE impact on me.
I know I FEEEEEEL like a different person..... but now, I know I LOOOOOK like a different person too.
And it feels FANTASTIC!
...talk about a self-esteem booster!

I never did have ok/good/positive self esteem.......


Time to rock my entirely new self and keep on keeping on with my journey! 

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