Tuesday, March 26, 2013

PAULA SAGGYBOTTOM -- in the adventures of the FAT PANTS!

Im getting rid of them this week. Yes, gone, adios, bye bye!

Im managing to get rid of over 5 pairs of dress slacks and 5 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of shorts, and LOTS of tops, bathing suits, dresses, etc. yes, it sucks because I LITERALLY have two pairs of jeans (see prev. post about gap and vanity jeans!) and one pair of slacks, zero real shorts for the summer (and no, NORTS dont count!) and a handfull of shirts to wear now. It sucks because I almost have nothing to wear. I feel like the bum that wears the same 5 outfits in a row every week to work. I feel frumpy, like nothing fits. UGHHH FAILLLL!!

Then again... I feel incredible. I feel awesome. Its a stupid-awesome feeling when I can't fit into aaaanyyyy of my clothes because i've lost so much weight! I know I look like a loser with no clothes, but right now, today,
*insert winner crossing the finish line/determination music here, LOL*
I dont care!!!!  FREEEEEDOMMMMMM!!!

Lately, I've been struggling with the thought of...

"I would rather be fat and have back all my clothes,
 than be skinny and have basically absolutely nothing to wear!"
It is much better to lose weight, look frumpy in fat clothes, get RID (yes, RID----PERMANENTLY!! THERE'S NO GOING BACK NOW!!) of your fat clothes, wear the same outfit for a month or two, all while saving up money to buy a new outfit here or there...than it is to be fat, unhealthy, unable, unhappy, unmotivated, etc...the list goes on and on and on....

I think KNOW that I am through with that duuuuuumb thought.
I am going to embrace the new, healthier, skiiiinnier me, even if that means looking like a bum for a while in old/baggy clothes, or wearing the same outfits.

But hey! Nor more PAULA SAGGY BOTTOM and no more looking like I just SHAT myself with my fat jeans. Hooray!!

I'll eventually replace my entire wardrobe (shirts, jeans, slacks, tops, dresses, undies, shoes, etc.)  and everything will be back to normal a NEW NORMAL for me!

.....aaaaaand, haha -- if you hear of anyone (i.e. person, company, blogger, etc.) that is donating/giving away/hosting a contest for a shopping spree, let me know!
I hear about these all the time and immediately enter! I'll jump on over there and do some
entering!I'm normally decent at winning random things--- and this time clothes and
gift certificates are my "enter/like/follow to win" item of choice!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Am I sabotaging myself?

Am sabotaging myself?
As far as losing weight goes.... this is not my first rodeo.
I lost weight in high school. I lost weight in college. I lost weight when I first met Hunter.
Every time I've lost weight in the past, I just did it. Period. I was at my "breaking point" - I had either cried to my mom, cried to a friend, or cried to myself -- I HAD IT when it came to being fat, so I just lost weight. There were no worries that I'd never meet my goal (which was always realistic, not too much of a real "goal" looking back now). I simply put my mind to it and got it done; however, the goals I set for myself were temporary. It was never to lead a healthier lifestyle or to make real changes - It was to work my butt off and lose some weight. How much? I never set a goal. To keep it off? Well, that was the plan but I never put that plan into motion - EVER.
Today was the first time I finally realized I feel like I actually have an idea of where I want to be, what I want to look like, and have set specific, realistic, and attainable goals for myself. This time around, it wasnt just "to get skinny" or to "stop feeling gross." This time it is to GET HEALTHY and STAY HEALTHY -- for me, for my health, for my future, for my <future, as in not planning yet, but someday, duh!> children. This isn't one of those times I was fat and wanted just to "get skinny." I actually have a plan and goals---and this time, I am going to stick to them -- indefinitely.
I've been bouncing around about 20 pounds for the last 5 years. At 170, down to 155, up to 170, up to 180, down to 170, up to 185, down to 160.....and the cycle continues. It's annoying, it's discouraging, and it's embarrassing. I've had friends and people tell me that I've inspired them to get healthy and get moving and there I go again, letting my hard work go and slipping back into my fat pants.

This weekend wasnt exactly pretty... it was more of a trainwreck -- on Saturday at least.
Every day this weekend I told myself "ok paula. Its time to get out of bed. Just get out of bed, throw on those comfortable workout pants, get in the car, and drive to the gym." They always say the hardest part is acutally getting there - and I believe it. Did I listen to myself? Did I get out of bed, yes. Did I go straight to the gym? No. Instead, I met my friend at the mall, had a kids meal of chicken strips, tea, and fries, walked around for 4 hours, tried on some cool clothes, then went to a friends house for dinner where I had a one hard taco, rice, guacamole, beans, cheese, and tortilla chips. It was delicious, but it was a more-than-generous portion and I was more-than-full when I left. I wasn't stuffed or anything, but I know that I could have and should have made better dinner choices.

Yet, the whole time this eating was occurring, I knew it was bad. I was mentally telling myself to stop, but I didn't. Paula - you're going to gain back the weight. You're going to feel like crap after this delicious small fry and deep-friend chicken strips. You should have just went to subway! Why didnt you just grab something more healthy? You know better! But I kept eating. After all, I was only eating the small kids meal, and I was planning on walking the mall for a few hours - It isn't that bad, is it?
I told myself yesterday I was going to go back to the detox, drink at least 100oz of water, and try to get things straightened back out. The morning went great - I had my fiber bar and 4 1/2 - 24oz bottles of water. Oh yeah... I got a new water bottle at TJMAXX for $7.99. The bottle is irradescent pink and has a clip to hang keys, rings, etc on as well as a mouthpiece with a straw -- and came with extra straws. It defintely helps me to have a nice, portable, reusable bottle for water, and is even better that it has a straw. For me, personally, it helps me mindlessly suck it down.

I didn't make it to the gym, but instead decided to try something new and do Bikram Yoga (hot yoga.) See other post for info/details.
The yoga was quite an experience but I am pretty sure that I would do it again. After a crap-tacular day Saturday of eating what I shouldn't, I cooked some healthy stuff on Sunday for the week, and today I got back on that weight loss wagon. Tomorrow is day two of 100+oz of water, as well as eating clean and working out. I have plans to hit the gym with Joanna tomorrow, and I am starting a weight loss circuit with Sasha later this evening to help build up my legs, butt, and arms! Here's to hoping for some results with that.

My point is, everyone says that you should have one cheat day per week. I sometimes have 2-3, sometimes I have none or 1. It really doens't matter because, for the most part, I am going to do what I want to you - and so will you. I think about what I really did ---  one taco and some sides? Not bad. This time last year I would have eaten 2 tacos, a large helping of rice, a soda (instead of water) and much more sides than I had. I would have had the 3-4 piece medium chicken strips, fries, texas toast, and large drinks. Of course, I still cheated, but I was aware of what I was doing. It wasnt mindless. I knew I should have went to subway. I knew I shouldnt have eaten those chips - but I did. And thats ok. I dont want to put myself to someone elses standards of when I can eat, what I can eat, etc. I know that I need a calorie deficit to lose weight. I know to eat less. I know to exercise more.
Maybe this past Saturday wasn't such a train wreck after all... Yes, It could have been better.

..am I really sabotoging myself? Maybe in a small way - but this time I knew better where, before, I didn't truly know. The gains that I have made are so much more. I've learned a lot, and lost a lot--- with much more of both to come. 

I want to feel healthy. I want to feel strong. I want to appreciate myself again for more than just how I appear on the surface. Learning, making mistakes, making up for them, and making better choices in the future is a bumpy part of the road that I wasn't prepared for, yet, i've been down this road and I really should be more prepared.

Here's to continued mistakes and "train wreck" splurges, learning, and making better decisions.
Here's to my journey -  to my fit, healthy, happy, educational future!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Truth: I wanted to be anorexic

I was surfing around Facebook this morning when I stumbled upon this little jewel. I am an avid reader of the mamalaughlin blog, so when I saw this post it definitely caught my eye. What I couldn’t believe —- she was telling MY story (well, basically!) Mama has a true way of being open and honest— and its time that I tell you my side of her story:
I, too, wanted to be anorexic.
I’ve told you before how I wasnt taught to eat right growing up. I wasn’t taught to exercise or to be active on a regular basis (at least not more than the occasional “hey… quit that… if you’re gonna wrestle with your brother take it outside!”) I ate what I wanted, and did what I wanted– and both could be healthy and unhealthy. When I was able to drive/get out on my own (specifically in/after college) I found my true food love (you know, the one addiction that you just dont want to kick!) ----TACO BUENO!
I always got one of two things:

1) Sour Cream Chicken Chilada Platter with dr. pepper

2) #5 – Beef muchaco, bean burrito, crispy taco, and dr.pepper
Notice the “medium” (HA!!) drink.
…not to mention the one, or sometimes two,
cheesecake chimichangas to finish off these meals!!
HELLO 2,000 calories in ONE SITTING!?

Wow. I ate like this a few times each week, alongside other bad meal choices. I mean, it was just me – single (ish…not married), no kids, and it was cheap, “delicious,” (for a few minutes) and definitely “easier” than cooking an entire healthy meal just for myself (wasn’t it…? …right?)

I loved every single bite of these meals– delicious cheesy, meaty, carb-filled bite. Well, I loved every bite until those bites were over. I felt awesome eating the meals, but the second that the meals were finished, I felt like CRAP. like POOP. so GROSS. so DISGUSTING. so FAT. The meals themselves were satisfying (or rather the taste of the meals), but afterwords was the worst feeling ever – IMMEDIATE REGRET. My stomach felt sick and bloated, I felt guilty, and immediately tired.
After eating meals like this, I immediately wanted to get rid of the evidence. I didn’t want wrappers left in my car letting everyone know what a fatty I was…(Ha, like they couldn’t tell I loved taco bueno by just looking at me!) I frequently ran home and threw my wrapper away in the dumpster or in the nearest trash can. Many times, in the last year or so, I dropped the wrappers off at a dumpster of a local apartment complex. Low, right? Why did I have to “hide the evidence” and why couldn’t I just deal with it or start making better choices? ….I don’t have the answer to that. I was ashamed. I wanted the food. I wanted the taste. I didn’t care, but I didn’t like feeling disgusting, embarrassed, and ashamed– so I tried to hide it.

More times than not, after consuming a fast food MEGA MEAL, I would immediately head for the nearest bathroom – let it be the QT, the actual restaurant, home, etc. and try to RID myself (or try!) of the meal that I had just eaten. I was so mad at myself. Not only did I waste $7-8-9-10$ on a meal that made me feel like CRAP, I tried to throw all the food up so I would stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like crap, and feel “normal.” I knew this wasnt good for my body. I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t like what it did to my stomach/throat, and I didn’t like the fact that this is what I had to do to stop feeling gross. I too, would promise myself not to eat anything for the rest of the day — sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t.

I wanted to be anorexic. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to eat what I wanted, I didn’t want to work out, and I wanted to just be able to lose weight by throwing up what food I did eat that wasn’t good for me. I looked at cheerleaders and models my whole life and thought “why do they get to look like THAT, and I get to look like THIS?” I didn’t understand it – I did know one thing though, that I didn’t want to work at looking good. I didn’t want to try to eat healthy. I wanted to enjoy my 2,000 calorie meals and not feel guilty after, even if that meant hiding the evidence, damaging my body, and throwing when I felt too full or gross from another fast-food 2,000+ calorie MEGA MEAL.

I did this for years – until January of 2013 – when I decided that it wasnt worth it anymore. I was/am sick and tired of feeling gross and tired and unhappy with my body. I know that wasting money was just that, and I barely had enough to pay bills, let alone waste it on food that would make me feel so gross that I felt I needed to throw it up. I was/am sick of feeling ashamed to hide my MEGA MEAL wrappers. I was/am sick and tired of, well, being sick and tired from being overweight, unhealthy, and my continued excuses to stay that way.

I know that weight loss, getting fit, toning, and making a lifestyle change (eating healthy and adding exercise) are a gradual and slow process. I’ve got to kick old habits (like binge eating, throwing up, MEGA MEALS, comparing myself to those anorexic models, etc.) and start new ones (eating healthy, adding cardio and lots of exercise, and a positive attitude about my gains/losses and my future goals and outcomes, etc!)

I know that this is going to take time — but I am dedicated. I don’t want to be the person I have been. I don’t want to be just the “girl with a brain” or the “sweet, friendly girl” anymore.. I want to be “the smart, funny, sweet girl with awesome arms/legs/stomach/kickin body!” =)

It will take some time.
It will take some adjustments.
It will take serious changes.
It won’t be easy.
It will happen.
I will make it happen.
CHEERS to my (…soon to be…) HAPPY & HEALTHY ending!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Counting those inches...

So I haven’t lost much weight in the last week–only .5 pounds! But hey, that’s a loss, right!? Booyah!
I just realized I havent taken my measurements since I started an it might be time to update. Not really sure where to measure, so this is just for me to know where to measure again on different parts of my body! :) Judge me not!

My updated measurements—

Waist: 30″
Belly Button: 36″
Hips: 39″
Right arm: 12″
Right thigh upper: 21″
Right thigh middle: 18.5″

Weight: 149
Body fat: ?
BMI: ?

Looks like I’ve lost about 2″ across my tummy (that’s size (basically) 14 to a size 8/10!!), 2″ in my arm, about 2.5″ in my arms, and about 4″ in my hips!
….Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Here is my photo from today, and a photo comparing day #1 and day #61 (today)!


When I get my refill for PHEN at the end of this month, I’ll get a measurement update, as well as get a re-calculated body fat and BMI! Suuuper excited for that! I just knoooooow I should have dropped a few numbers!! :)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I am soooo thirsty. Not only do I need to stay hydrated for weight loss, I’ve GOT to get this “cotton mouth” under control — a definitely unplesant side effect of taking phen!

Tomorrow, I think I will start the GALLON challenge.

One gallon of water each day!
….now I’m going to look like those hardcore guys at the gym that carry around their gallon water jugs… just grreeeeat! :-P

I definitely need this though! Time to flush out the fat, especially now that I’m eating right and working out! Might as well tackle my fat from all angles and do everything I can to enhance other things im already doing!!!!

I can do this! I mean, after all, I am reaaaaaaally thirsty!
…..wish me luck!? (I might need it!)

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


So… today I want to stand in front of the mirror.
I want to be VAINNN!!!!!
I want to stare at myself and soak in what I’ve accomplished so far– I want to bend and twist and pose and let myself feel awesome about what I’ve done and what I have left to do!
Yesterday I bought a pair of size 29″ jeans at Vanity — that’s about a size 8!! Yes, they’re snug in the thighs and of course I could trim another couple inches or so off of my tummy so they would fit perfectly—but today I DON’T CARE. I feel good about myself, about my weight loss, and about how ROCKIN’ I feel and look in these jeans!!

I bought a pair of 29s from The Gap last week and a pair of size 10 slacks. The jeans fit well but are a tiny bit too tight in my butt and tummy, and when I sit down *insert ughh shuttering noise now* well, let’s just say I shouldn’t sit down in them or wear them too much in public yet. They were $74 and will be GREAT MOTIVATION to fit into perfectly — hopefully be the end for this month!! :)
The slacks were too big so I took them in yesterday and traded in for a size 8. Somewhat snug in my rear—but they stretch! Hopefully I won’t need the stretch factor to make them fit beautifully in the next few weeks!!! Come onnnnnnn motivation!

Of course, I am still on my journey and have more weight to lose—but this was SUUUUCH an incredible feeling!! I couldn’t help but want to post about it!! ahhhhh! For everyone who says that a women’s size is just a number and doesn’t matter—probably never fit into a size 18 in high school and then fit into a size 8 just a few years later!!!

Both vanity and gap jeans “fit” now — my legs and butt look awesome in them (in my opinion…) I definitely still have some work to do — but both will TOTALLY be worth the wait and the work when I can fit in them and look perfect and incredible in them!! IM SO EXCITED!! :-)
So… for now, I’ll go for size 8 “too tight” jeans — I think I look great, I feel great, and (ultimately) isn’t that what really matters!? :)

Oh… here’s a peek at my new 29″ jeans from Vanity:


Just LOOK at that tummy–and those jeans: totally buttoned!
I WIN!!!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

My SUPPORTIVE boyfriend!

I think it is so incredible when you have support for anything that you do, specifically when you are on a weight loss journey and can monitor other peoples success/failures/stories from their blogs. I wanted to blog about my weight loss journey, my inspiration, and the people that personally support me, my goals, and my dreams.
Don’t freak out now, this is not a senseless post about mi amor and “our happy perfect incredible life” together.
I mean, it is some of that…. but thats not all that it’s about.
I do have an actual reason for creating this post!
Soooo… read on!
I wanted to start out with my awesome boyfriend, Hunter. We’ve been together over 2 years now. He’s an incredible guy (motivated, insane smart, funny, tall, hard-working, geeky/nerdy, handsome…well, you get the picture, enough mushy gushy!) and I am incredibly happy/lucky to have him as my partner!

Hunter has seen me at one of the fattest points in my life (194! BOOM!) If you’re wondering….no, he didn’t take it upon himself to say anything to me about being fat. Ever. I am on this journey because I needed and wanted to be, and I needed his honesty and support. He is not the reason that I am on this journey, but yes, it does feel good to see his reaction the changes I am making…hello motivation! I’m down to 149/150lbs…and yes. I promise…. as far as I can tell/guess, he definitely notices!

Hunter doesnt do much for me for “noticing” and for “support” in the general sense that many people appreciate (i.e. lots of compliments, fake enthusiasm, noticing every pound/detail, giving me accomplishment gifts, etc.) Hunter motivates me by, after I say “I feel skinny today” he says “you aaare skinny!,” by staring at disbelief when I make him watch me try on my SIZE 29″ jeans (he couldnt really tell since all my clothes are still my “fat clothes” and this was his first real EYE OPENER to my body’s changes), by being there for me when I freak out because I have nothing to wear, by saying “stop self-deprocating” when I feel “gross” and have a mini-breakdown (haha!), or when I feel like i’m actually making progrss and saying that I can’t wait to be SKINNY and SEXY — and he comes back with ”Heck yea, you will be — look how much progrss you’ve already made!” I appreciate his support. Its honest and real. He supports me by making me support myself, without all of the blah-de-blah that everyone else does/says (i.e. “ohhh myyyy look how greeeeat you looook” and “wow, watch it, dont wanna get toooo skinny..” I like his type of support.

The other night, Hunter and I went to an event together. It was my work’s annual findraiser, the GALA. The GALA is a huge “adult prom” where hundreds of people from many different companies and organizations from the community pay to attend, drink, bid on silent-auction items, eat a delicious meal, and bid on incredible live auction items. It is quite an experience! Don’t we look FABULOUS!?
When Hunter and I arrived, we got a drink (His choice: margarita/My choice: cranberry malibu) and headed to take a look at the hundreds of silent auction items. I bid on a few cheaper items like a haircut package and a few smaller amount gift cards, and stumbled upon a personal training package - a complete evaluation and three private 1-on-one training sessions in private suites with a certified personal trainer here in the city. Only one bid had been made, for $10, so I only bid $25 —– hoping everyone in the room would notice me signing it and skip bidding on it (maybe they would know how bad I wanted/needed it) Ha! yeah right!

We finished looking around and headed to the dining room. Dinner started with a delicious salad, and the main course (steak, chicken, couscous with dried fruit, and asparagus) was to die for! Mid meal the announcer stated that the silent auction tables were closing in a few minutes – and for everone to make their final bids. I didn’t feel like spending a lot of money and figured that if I won, I won, and if I didnt, oh well! Hunter got up with a friend also sitting at our table to check out if he (his friend) had won one of the 10+ items that he bid on. Of course, I asked him to check out my bids and see if I had been outbid or if I had won anything – he agreed.

Hunter came back about 10 minutes later and sat down. Dessert was being served – YUM! I asked him how it went, and asked about my bids! Hunter looked at me and said it went well–but unfortunately someone outbid you. I was somewhat disappointed, but I was immediately relieved to kepe my $25 bid. Moment later, Hunter looked at me and said “hey babe.. I won something! I got you something!” Suprised, I was like “oh yea? really?!” and reached out my hands to receive whatever it was that he pulled out of his suit pocket. It was a folded yellow piece of paper – a copy of one of the bid sheets. …..Guess what it was?

I unfolded the paper and, i’m sure, my face/thought was like ….whaaaaaaat?

…..and then I realized what he had done! Thats right! Hunter had outbid me (and the person who bid after me), and ended up buying the personal training sessions for me! He got an AWESOME deal – personal training is NOT cheap!! I was thrilled, and super happy that he got this for me — he knew that I wanted it, that I needed it, and it was seriously an awesome gesture! Not to mention he supported a local non-profit (my work!) by purchasing an auction item! WAHOOOOOOOO!!
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is support!
…isn’t he the greatest?!
It’s little stuff like this that lets me know he loves and supports me!

So now, I just need to call the center, schedule my first fitness analysis & training, and get on the right track to getting a SLAMMIN BOD before summer comes! =)