Tuesday, September 17, 2013

....UNTIL NOW (-ish)

I've said it before and I will say it again. I've always been.....
*insert evil music here*

You know the one... the girl with a pretty face and a sweet/nice/great personality. (HA!)

UNTIL NOW(-ish).
I've never really had a great self esteem... like ever.

When I was a little girl I used to worry that I was fat -- which I totally wasn't.

When I was in Jr. High I didnt look like the other girls. I was getting heavy and I absolutely noticed. I was in a size 12 jeans by the 7th grade. Other girls had "boyfriends" and all that I had were boys that were good friends.

In high school I was friends with everyone --  a "vanilla kid" as my cousin calls it -- but I didn't have boyfriends. I didnt have many real friends or a clique either. I felt like it was just me... alone in a stupid "if youre not somebody... you're a nobody -- an outsider" school full of cheerleaders, athletes, skinny people, and those people that I would never look like. And then there was me... sitting alone with the guys with my camo pants on, my baggy tshirt, my loooooong pin-straight hair (not kidding. I could literally sit on it) and my love for science. I was smart --- and thats all that I had going for me as far as high school rules go -- and even that wasn't "cool."

(this wasn't even at its longest....)

I got to college and stopped caring what people thought, because people were so accepting of me. They didnt care, and why should I? I ate what I wanted and did what I wanted. No one really ever called me "pretty" and I knew I wasnt one of the skinny girls or the athletes --- but that was okay. I put my weight and my self-image on the backburner and did what I wanted. I had fun, instead of worrying about being unhealthy or the fat girl of the group.
It wasn't until I started losing weight that I realized where I really was.. and how far I had come. Nothing really changed at first.
The first 20 pounds came off and some peope noticed -- and some didnt.

It took losing 28 or 29 pounds total for people to really start noticing. At that point, I was basically down to a size 8 from a size 14 -- my body had really changed.

I went to an old friends wedding and she couldnt believe I had lost so much weight.

Then friends started making comments about what I was eating.
We went over to some friends of ours house and they made (in addition to what THEY wanted, I might add) turkey burgers.... just for me... because they knew I was watching my weight.

Then I would go back to RSU for board meetings or sorority meetings and everyone would say "wow Paula, you look incredible."

Lately, things have even gotten more REAL for me... as far as realization for what I have done and how far I have come is concerned.

The other night, I wanted to go dancing. I bought my very first pair of boots and I bought a dress (on sale!!) form JCP. I curled my hair and went out with friends and my boyfriend.

For the first time in a long time in foreverrrrrr I felt -- not like THAT girl --- but like the pretty girl in the room. I showed my boyfriend my outfit before I left and his eyes widened (even though I thought he might think I looked silly). He looked at me and at that moment I felt, finally, like the smart AND skinny AND funny AND beautiful woman (and girlfriend) that I always wanted to be.
I felt GOOD.
We got to Caravan to do some drinking/dancing when an old guy friend of mine walked up and said "HI" to everyone. He talked about his new job and how things have changed...
......it took him about 4 minutes into talking to stop - mid sentence - and say OH MY GOOOOOOOD I DIDNT EVEN RECOGNIZE YOUUUUU!!! and then continued to let his mouth hang open and repeat the previous sentence more times that I want to remember. Well, thats a lie --- I want to remember (and replay in my mind...over and over...and over) him repeating that silly little sentence with his wide eyes and gaping jaw.
All I could think was HEY!! ITS ME....PAULA! SURPRISE! haha
All I could do was laugh (and BLUSHH!) and thank him for being so kind.
It wasnt just him being KIND, It was him being TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, and ABSOLUTELY HONEST AND REAL. His reaction to my physical changes weren't fake or planned... it was GENUINE, and that made such a HUGE impact on me.
I know I FEEEEEEL like a different person..... but now, I know I LOOOOOK like a different person too.
And it feels FANTASTIC!
...talk about a self-esteem booster!

I never did have ok/good/positive self esteem.......


Time to rock my entirely new self and keep on keeping on with my journey! 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

My first fitness investment -- Motivation in the form of a HRM watch

So I see photos ALL THE TIME of friends and people I follow on social media with their special workout watches. I've never really understood the point --- nor did I want to fork up $100 - $200+
to buy one, especially when the treadmill or elliptical would tell me my calories burned as long as I entered in my age/weight and used the HRM (heart rate monitor) sensors.

That's enough.................right?

Well, maybe, if you're not concerned with calories burned and getting the most out of your workout. For me, I am focusing not on losing weight and burning normal calories--- but rather, burning FAT calories. Little did I know that your HR makes a BIG difference on what kind of workout you get and where the calories that you burn are coming from.

To lose weight in the past, I would jump on the treadmill and jog/run for a certain amount of time or miles -- without concern to my HR. After talking to a few trainers and doing my research online, I realize that working out at a certain HR can give more results and help towards whatever your goals are -- whether it is trying to lose pounds (high HR for burning more calories) or lose fat (lower HR for burning more calories from fat).

I started looking at HRMs that I had seen from other people I know or follow a few weeks ago. Most people either had a polar fitness watch or a garmin watch. Both were watches, and both came with chest straps. I didn't even know where to start, what to look for, etc. This was a first for me in the fitness world --- so off I went!

For me, since I'm not a crazy hardcore athlete -- I decided that the most important things in a HRM watch  that I needed were:
  1. Ability to accurately track my heart rate
  2. Ability to show calories burned (specifically, those burned from fat!)
  3. Ability to show/keep time (its a watch, duh!)
Simple, right? I didn't need anything fancy or with crazy extra features.

So, after deciding my needs as a consumer, I went where I know best to research --- online! I read information about watches, HRMs, whats best -- whats worst, average costs, reviews, etc. until I worked it down to three main watches of which two, coincidentally, happened to be the same two that I had seen many friends and people that I follow wear.  The two were the FT4 ($65) polar watch and the pink/grey garmin ($190). The other being a polar upgrade -- the FT40 ($102).

I did more research, comparing, reading reviews and asking people that had them what they thought. I came down to a couple conclusions:
  1. I wanted to be able to get the watch/HRM wet, in case I ever forgot to take it off or wanted to count calories from swimming
  2. I didn't want to spend a small fortune on a HRM
  3. I shouldn't pick a HRM based on which color I love the most
After realizing these few things, the Garmin HRM was OUT and I was left to the two polar watches. Again, I went back and compared the two.


Both had what the basics of what I needed, but the FT40 had a few extras -- like the ability to use it in water, it had a fitness test and a training mode, it shows % fat burned, minimum and max HR, and even holds your data weekly!

So, I got on amazon (I have a prime account -- good prices, free 2 day shipping and only $3.99 for next day, an excellent return policy, etc.) and bought my FT40 in white (fyi: they come in LOTS of other colors) for $102. I paid for next day shipping because I was ready to get started!
I set up the watch the evening it came in the mail -- SUPER SIMPLE, basically like any watch you had to set date and time, as well as set your age, weight, etc. BOOM - DONE!

Using the HRM strap/sensor was suuuuuuper simple -- you just clip on a sensor to an adjustable strap that goes just under your chest -- and then put the strap on. The watch is automatically connected to the HR sensor -- so there isn't any work in getting things "configured." The data just goes wirelessly from the sensor connected to the strap around your lower chest to the watch. MAGIC.

I used the HRM the first night for a brief 20 minute jog but didn't really use it other than to monitor my HR.

Last night I went to the gym with a friend and really got some use out of it. I worked out for 35 minutes --- a warm up on the treadmill and I hit the elliptical hard (I love those things because I burn like double the calories in the same time as I would on a treadmill I feel like... not to mention the whole "less impact on your body" thing). Anyways, I ended up getting my HR very high and then working to raise my resistance, lower my speed, and eventually got to an area where I was burning more fat and was more within a zone that would, as I was trying, to burn more calories from fat. I ended up burning 437 calories total. It was a great workout and I am excited to learn more about the watch.

A couple IMPORTANT things that Ive noticed about the watch:
  1. It makes me more aware of where my HR is and then I can make changes to get my HR where I want it to be to achieve that workouts goals.
  2. Its motivating! Getting on a machine is so much more fun and interactive because I actually get to measure my workout and change things to accomplish what I want
I also noticed that the HRM kept basically the same HR as my machine did (so that's good, they're on target). However, during my warm up my treadmill said I burned 87.8 calories and my HRM said that I burned 134. I'LL TAKE IT. --- treadmills aren't always accurate, and a programmed HRM (meaning your weight, age, height, etc. is already in there -- you do this during set up) is more accurate.

Anyways... that all goes to say that I LOVE MY HRM!! Its simple, functional, motivating, and is just what I needed to start making progress towards my goals.

I would definitely recommend getting a HRM watch if you have any fitness goals at all... its seriously worth it! Do your research and get one that fits your needs and your budget --- I SWEAR you wont regret it!

Friday, July 12, 2013


Here it is!
(I missed transformation Tuesday so I made up my own catchy day/photo phrase --- because I'm cheesy like that)

It's great to get motivation from other people --- but when I see photos like this I seriously can't believe this   is   WAS me.

In the famous words of Bob Dylan --

Friday, July 5, 2013

If you can't say something nice.... RANT ALERT!

....isn't the ultimate goal in life to "BE HAPPY" ??

"If you're not happy with YOURSELF,  then how can you be happy with anyone else"
"Don't worry be happy"
"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy"
This is not fair.
I'm seriously so angry right now! =(
....Even more, I am mad at myself for letting their words upset me.
This is not fair -- and I do not have to put up with it, nor do I have to feel bad for the things people say to me.
A wise woman once said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Its about time I start taking her advice!
It doesnt matter what you think. If I wanted your NEGATIVE opinion I would ask for it.
But I didn't ask, did I?
................................................NO. I certainly did not.
For the FIRST time in my life (since about 4th grade) I finally love myself. I am happy. I feel happy. I FEEL PROUD OF MYSELF --- and dangit, I FEEL GOOD.
I have an education, a great job that I love, I am finally making some money, I have a nice place to live and a nice car and I can afford nice things and to save money, I have some good friends, a good family, a fantastic/supportive boyfriend, and I feel good about the way that I look (specifically, physically) now more than I ever have in my entire life.
I feel so pretty sometimes (haha!) --- like when I look in the mirror I dont see a whale anymore. I can afford and fit into nice clothes. I can,  every most days, walk past a mirror and think to myself "wow -- you've come a long way! You look great! Look at your butt -- it actually has some shape! You've still got some work to do but girl look at you! Oh... is that a new skirt?!? Ooooo girl --- STRUT THAT!!"
(you think i'm joking..... but Im totally not...)
It makes me so mad that one persons comment can make all of those good feeling FLY OUT THE FREAKING WINDOW!! UGH!
.................................So, all that to tell you what happened to make me want to SCREAM:
I'm sitting at work today and this guy walks into my office and stares at me.
I said "hey! What's up?!"
He just looks at me with a concerned face and says "uh... are your parents around?
I said "no." <I've been on my own since I was 17 - supporting myself completely. My daddy died when I was 16 and my mom lives in a different state...>
He said "okay, well I am going to take their place and tell you that you're losing too much weight."
He just stared at me.
I said "oh... uh... well, actually, uhmmm..." <cool.. I love when I studder! Perfect timing - hahaha!>
My mind went blank and I wanted to SCREAM at him. I wanted to ask him why he thought that. He didn't know me. He didn't know how big -- and most importantly, UNHEALTHY --  that I had been for soooo many years. He didn't know about the mental and physical struggles I've had over the past however-many years ---- always being the "fat girl with the great personality" or the "smart chubby girl who sits in the front of the class."
All he knew was that I used to be bigger, and now he could see my facial structure and my collar bones (one of the most attractive body parts on a woman, in my opinion!!!).
Just because my collar bones show or becuase my fat doesnt fold over my pants anymore does NOT mean that I am "losing too much weight."
My mind, still filled with anger and shock, pulled itself together for a measley four seconds and I mustered up the words "....thank you for your opinion."
He continued to stare blankly, said "yeah," and backed out of my office.
In a matter of 1 minute I went from being the girl that felt pretty -- because when I was leaving the house this morning, after putting on a black cotton dress, I  kissed my boyfriend goodbye and he said "you look very nice today" --- to feeling like I had no control in a situation in which someone could CRITICIZE me and make me feel like I had a problem         --- like being healthy and skinny was a PROBLEM that he felt like he needed to address!! WHAT!?!?!?
I pulled myself together, held my breath, and walked hastily to the bathroom --- where I sat down in the ugly green chair in the corner..............and started BALLING.
This isnt the first time that this has happened either. Crappy, right?! =(
I text a family member these two photos of me <see below> the other day and that person responded with "Dang! Looking good! Dont need to lose any more weight though"
Really......Did you HAVE to put that at the end?
You couldn't just be happy for me and tell me that I look good?
You felt the need to warn me and criticize me?
No thank you. I don't need to listen to that.


I got a facebook mesage from a different family member that said "I think you look fabulous, and i can totally relate to that exhilaration when you get back down to a size you thought you'd never see. I just want you to be healthy and not become obsessed with your image. You do not need to be any smaller. You'll look skeletal with your bone structure. You're a woman. Embrace your curves! Also, you said you'd never been a 6 as a teen or adult. so, yes, it scares me that you might be going too extreme."
Okay, I can understand your concern if I had dropped 100 pounds in a month for no reason by completely not eating or becoming anorexic or bulemic --- but losing 31 pounds and 3 dress sizes total over the course of 6 months is NOT a cause for concern. Really, I know you care and that you are only saying these things because of that... but I don't get it. I've never been this size before becuase I've always been fat -- I've always eaten too much and moved too little.
Still yet, these aren't the first remarks about my looks or my weight loss -- and I KNOW that, unfortunately, they are not the last.
People should know -- I am an educated, strong, smart, independent woman. I try not to make stupid decisions. I know how to make healthy choices. I know not to go all wacko and try to fit into a size 0 in one month. I KNOW for goodness sakes I KNOW!! 
I'm not saying that I am not going to make mistakes, because I will --- but what I am saying is that I LEAD MY OWN LIFE.
I am a grown woman -- and I feel pretty!
If you don't have something nice to say, then DONT SAY IT AT ALL -- BECAUSE (unless I ask for your honest opinion) I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT.
So, self:
Time to suck up these tears and forget about it.
Time to learn that people are always going to criticize and judge me for BOTH my good and bad choices.
Time to move on, and realize there are more important things in life than LETTING YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP FOR MAKING GOOD CHOICES!! UGHH!
Time to go back to my blog, instagram, facebook page, friends, family, and everyone else who knows what I've been through, what I want to accomplish (with my weight or anyyyything else) and read/listen to their positive thoughts and words.
Time to feel pretty again.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Drop it like its SQUAT!

30 day challenge, anyone?! Well I'm in! Here I gooooo!

instagram - paulablalock

@erin_morgan   &&   #erin_morgan

Monday, July 1, 2013


Big Boned.

Thats what people (parents, friends, family, neighbors...everyone!) tell larger people when they complain about their weight or talk about getting skinny. It's all a way to make larger people feel better about themselves, their weight, and their body frame (in my experience, at least!) Thats what I was told my whole life.

I can't tell you how many times growing up that I heard "you're not fat.. if anything, you're chubby... you're a growing girl ...and you're big boned! You will never look good at a size 4 or size 6 or a size 8. You're just meant to be bigger. Maybe a 10 ... yes, you would be perfect at a size 10...." and then the conversation would trail off into something else... and I would be left wondering if I ever could be a size 4, 6, 8, or heck -- even if I would ever make it to a size 10!

I’ve been trying, off and on, for years to eat better and to take care of myself. Yo-Yo dieting has become quite the hobby over the past 8 or so years. I've always seen people that are so tall and super thin - thin being just the opposite of me. I was always jealous of their amazing metabolism and general lack of fat, not to mention the fact that they could basically eat whatever they wanted to and not have to worry about gaining weight. I, on the other hand, seemed to always gain 10 pounds after sniffing a cookie. Ha!

Was it my metabolism after all? Or what about my thyroid?! Of course! That had to be it! Issues with those two things could be the answer to why I was fat!

Turns out, my metabolism was probably quite normal, considering my activity level and weight. I even had my thyroid checked, making sure that it wasnt m body sabotoging itself and making me fat (funny, right?!) ....but guess what -- that came out normal too! In fact, I am pretty sure, at this point, I just felt like it was impossible for me to be thin, skinny, a size 10 or 8 or 6 or 4, or even healthy. 

.............................Well, there goes that excuse!

Just about every female in my family, extended too – is overweight, if not "obese". However, looking at old photos – they did not start out that way. In fact almost all of my relatives were slender and active in their younger days. All very skinng, active, and gosh, very beautiful -- so it’s not in my DNA either. Great.

.......................Excuse number two down the drain!

When I was a kid, after about 4th grade, I was never really ever skinny. I’m built like a mountain side, broad and curvy… (You like that one?) I’ve always had a very pronounced pear shape (smaller on top, larger on bottom), even when I was at my heaviest (210 - OUCH) and that led me to think that it was okay for me to be that big, because I just didn’t look THAT big. (haha, there I go again with the jokes!) People where floored when they would find out how much I weighed, I just happen to carry it better then someone else...right?

So then I told myself, well, I am just big boned.

Well, Ive been to the doctor a few times lately, and what I am beginning to realise is that NO, I am not big boned.  Not big --- just average. (For reference, I’m 5'7" tall with a wrist measurement of 6.5 inches.)

................................Adios excuse numero tres!!!

So if it’s not my thyroid or my DNA, nor I’m not big boned – what’s wrong with me? Why was I so big?

...........................Are you ready for the shocking answer?

I ate too much and I moved too little


..........Absolutely unbelievable, I know!

Who would have guessed that the secret to my success in weight loss would be logging my calories, moving my large behind, and taking phentermine to curb my appetite and habits of eating... a lot.... all the time??
Anyone with half a brain. No seriously.

So... this whole "big boned" business is all a lie? Well, it looks like it! I love this photo that really illustrate that your "big-ness" really isnt bones... its some muscle and a lot of fat (in my case) piled on top of those regular-size bones!

Lets get this straight, I am not "skinny" just yet -- and by no means do I have a "bangin' body"  either.... but HECK! THIS IS WHAT I CALL PROGRESS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!

143.2 today and finally in a size 6!

Just bought two new pairs of jeans, one new pair of slacks, and a pair of slim-fit shorts from Gap =)

...........If I hit the 130s I believe I will cry!

So much for living up to everyones expectations of continuing to be "big boned" and never fitting into a size 10 (CHECK) or a size 8 (CHECK) or a size 6 (CHECK!!). I am so excited -- and I never thought this would happen. Well, it didnt just "happen," technically. I made it happen and I am so glad that I have!

I challenge you not to listen to other people. Do what you want and do what you can to make yourself happy.

Like the cheerios bee says "bee happy, bee healthy!" and dont listen to anyone who says that you are "big boned" and if you do listen, don't feel like you have to live up to that -- because, chances are, you have normal sized bones and you can be/look like whatever you want.... and let me stress that what you are/want to be/look like is ENTIRELY up to you.
Happy Monday!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Getting over my latest TRAINWRECK (DAY #1) .... and a little {WIW}

Talk about a trainwreck!!   
That's what I have been for the last, oooohh, month or so!

It all started about April 24th, when the A Brush with Kindness project kicked into hardcore gear at work. I was used to working 7-8 hour days, but immmediately was thrown into working an average of 10 hour days. This cut down my free time and unfortunately, working out was thrown on the backburner. Shame on me. I also decided that I wanted to take a semi-break from phen since I had heard that your body can only take it for so long before its effects lessened, which is something that I was already feeling!

So I'm sitting here, the end of April, working like a crazy woman, not exercising, and being hungry! Gosh! What a big fat excuse, huh?!

Anyways, for the next week I was kicked into high gear at work, I didn't eat really at all, I didn't drink water like I should, and I definitely wasn't going to the gym. The week of the Apr 29-May 3 I was up to working about 14 - 15 hours per day (some people do this... this IS NOT normal for me and, let me tell you, is a HUGE adjustment!!)
When I wasn't sleeping I was working, and when I was working I didn't have time to prepare food -- so I ate out. I had jimmy johns and chips and pizza and snacks and hotdogs and whatever else was "around" on the worksite or at home. I didn't want to cook. I didn't want to try to eat right. I was pooped and my body was only feeling worse because I had taken it from "healthy, active, and eating right" to "fast/processed food, sitting, and unhealthy. Not to mention the 2lb bag of M&Ms sitting on my living room table that I LITERALLY had to put away so I wouldn't eat them!

Talk about a TRAINWRECK!!
I was feeling GROSS!! I felt bloated and tired and I was worried everyday that if I hit the scale it would suuuurely say +5lbs or more! I knew what I was doing to my body, but didn't act to change it. What a dumb thing to be worried about ---  this is totally something that I have control over!

TAKE CONTROL, WOMAN!! GET IT TOGETHER, PAULA! YOU CAN DO THIS!! You're in a slump and you need to PULL YOURSELF OUT!! --- This is what I should have said to myself, rather than eating a few more chips and going to bed. Ugh!

The project and me working like a horse lasted until about May 10th. Then things settled back down....somewhat. I decided, becuase I was feeling disgusting, to call Fitness Together --- a personal training company. Hunter had bought me the "3 personal training sessions" at the Habitat Gala, and I knew it was time to put them to good use. I was tired of the two weeks of bad choices, feeling icky, etc... so I called them up and had my first (and then second) appointment.
They went really well -- I now know that I LOVE personal training sessions -- and the next day I was so sore I didnt know I could get out of bed. The one thing I definitely learned there was that someone else will make you PUSH your body harder than you ever would do alone at the gym. Having a personal trainer or a gym buddy is sooooo important, not only for motivation in general, but for inspiration to push yourself further and work harder to get the results you want!

That weekend was somewhat relaxing, but then the next week I was told that I would be interviewed for a full-time position at my work doing exactly what I currently do. Things have been really stressful at work lately, and I have mixed feelings about the hiring of a new volunteer person, but I decided to apply and interview for the job anyways. What could it hurt, right?
The interview went well and I got a second interview... so waiting the 6 days for that was a nightmare. The second interview went okay, if you were wondering -- Ill keep you updated on my job status as it comes (or, potentially, goes!)

Amidst all of my bad choices in food and basic lack of any schedule of exercise, the stress of catching up from the project, the stress of trying to land my job (permanently, anyway. Right now I am on contract that ends in August -- hello unemployed!) I knew it was time to get back on those tracks and get busy with the right choices!

I ordered Advocare's 10 day cleanse and decided that it had been about 25-30 days since I had taken Phen-- so I would start that again too. ***Most importantly, of course, all of this in addition to hitting the gym and eating clean! I received my package with the cleanse last night!***

I knew I had to make a change because I didnt want to let things get out of control. I had to stop that cycle. I ordered the cleanse, received it 2 days later and started the very next morning (TODAY!)
I had fallen back into the habit of grabbing chips or candy (or whatever, really) every single time I walked through the kitchen. I had to get back to my clean eating habits. That's why I decided to do this cleanse. Yes, it is restrictive (it is a cleanse!), but I needed some restriction to get my head on straight. I needed a plan to follow that didn't leave any wiggle room. And this 10 day cleanse (I hope) is going to do that for me.

So today, {Weigh In Wednesday}! 05/22/2013, I woke up, weighted myself, took my measurements, and started on the right foot with my Vitamin B12 pill (for metabolism!), my multivitamin, 2 vitamin C pills (for immune system!), a biotin pill (for healthy hair and nails!) my phentermine, and my first Advocare fiber drink! All was well, but if you don't drink that in a rapid time, it starts to gel? It was strange, but not bad, and I just added water to it and it went back to being drinkable again haha! I read reviews on the CITRUS flavor - they say it tasted worse than the peaches in cream but worked better - so I bought the citrus flavor. It reminded me of something familiar in taste and texture, but I still don't know what! I'll let you know if I remember soon!

Here is what the Advocare citrus fiber drink looks like:

MmmmMmmMmmMMMmm.... FIBER!

I'll be updating my blog daily with reports of measurements, what I experience/think of the cleanse, and of course, my weight!

Speaking of... today IS, after all, {WIW!}

What will my weight be by the end of my cleanse? Only time will tell!

And I will leave you with this....

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Weigh-In Wednesday & Bikini Motivation!

Hey guys! Sooo... its Wednesday again, and you know what that means --- time for me to weigh in and see if im down any more weight from last week!
When I get to the scale on Wednesday mornings I get a little (okay, for some reason I get A LOT) nervous! I think to myself "what if I have gained weight?" or "what if I haven't lost any weight at all?" AHHHH FAIIIILUREEEE!!!! 
(...just kidding. I just want to keep moving in the right direction!)

I know I should not be thinking like this --- losing weight is something that doesn't happen overnight. I am not going to wake up next wednesday, weigh myself, and see a 10 (or whatever) pound loss.  (...and if this IS actually possible, someone tell me NOW!!) That is hard for me to make myself remember. I also know that sometimes gaining weight when I am working out and dieting is a good thing, because it could mean that (supposing im eating right and working out, etc.) I am gaining muscle --- which weighs more than fat but is definitely more lean! So I might weigh more but I will still be getting more healthy, toned, and fit!! Now THAT is what I want!

I don't necessarily care about a number anymore --- I am (I think...I will reveal my actual weight in a moment) at a healthy and "normal" weight for my height according to the "based on the averages" chart. Really, what is important to me now is not necessarily making the number go down dramatically on the scale, but more of getting rid of the fat that is on my body and replacing it with more lean, functional, strong muscle!

So... the moment I've been waiting for all week... to see if I have gained/lost/remained from last Wednesday.

*insert drum roll here*
Weigh-In Wednesday results: 146 pounds

WAHOOO!! That is one more pound --- down from 147 last week! I know it isn't much... but like I said, its more about the overall way my body (size, shape, weight, muscle, fat, etc) is changing rather than losing a million pounds overnight! So yes, I AM FREAKING PUMPED -- and relieved to know hat the number is still continuing downward! =)

So... I hear that it is good motivation to purchase, say, a pair of jeans that is one, two, or more sizes too small -- for motivation and physical evidence of your goals. I have also heard that bathing suits are good motivation as well. I hate spending money on clothes -- so why in the heck would I buy something that DOESN'T FIT?! I mean, can't you just IMAGINE what your goal size is and work towards that and THEN purchase a nice pair of jeans or bathing suit that (for certain) fits your new size? ....maybe I've got this thought process all wrong!

I know, you're sitting there thinking duh paula - everyone knows that!!
....you're right.... Everyone DOES know that. However, its not anything that I have ever seen anyone or heard of anyone that I personally know, actually do! It's just one of those things that people talk about. I've sene people keep their fat clothes for backup or to make sure they never fit into them again.. but that is a whole different topic.

What I am saying is that, while I understand the motivation behind spending money on things that DO NOT FIT, I have never fully wanted to comitt to this motivational tool. However, this time around, I am doing things differently. This isnt my first weight-loss rodeo. Ive done this before --- but this time it will be different because this time, I WILL KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF!

So I did it.
I went to the store, and tried on a bazillion bathing suits. I found one that I thought was really cute. Of course, trying it on was great --  for the first time in my life I bought a size M bottoms! I know that I didnt look great in the bikini -- but hey! Thats what buying it for motivation is for, correct? I definitely want to tone up and get rid of my thighs, love handles, etc.,. tone up my arms... well.. you get the picture. Anyways... I thought I would share my new purchase with you! Hopefully I can write a new post sometime around June 1 with a photo of me in the bathing suit --- with a hot, fit, more toned body! =) Hello progress, determination, and motivation!

**By the way -- all my photos have no filters.. I want you to see progress... no matter how unflattering or blah it may be! ;) Totally worth showing the real thing instead of prettied-up photos so you can't see my fat or cellulite or whatever**

04/09/2013 - HAIR/ARMS DOWN!

04/09/2013 - HAIR/ARMS UP!

This bikini definitely isn't perfect on me -- and I obviously have some work to do to get "bikini ready" -- but this is a start!
.....I wish I had a bikini photo BEFORE I started this journey.. ha!
I definitely can tell (by the way I look and feel) that I have lots some major weight!

146 pounds.... and the journey continues!!

Monday, April 8, 2013


I've told you some information about Calorie Counter, my Phentermine appetite supression/diet pill, in previous posts -- so I wanted to get you all the real information in terms of contact information, online presence, costs, hours, etc.
Calorie Counter is a small doctors office in Owasso at 9100 N Garnett Rd --- thats basically a little south of ihop in owasso and on the west side of the street, across from the fire department in a small strip mall beside Ron's Hamburgers.
My iphone gps, and google maps BOTH took me WAY off from here.... so, just in case, here is a link to a map:  http://m.google.com/u/m/xijbXs
The address to actually FIND it on the gps is:
8359 North Garnett Road,Owasso OK 74055
The phone number there is 918-272-0440. The staff is really great, and you dont have to make an appointment -- everything is done by walk-in when they are open.
Business hours are:
Tues: 9-5 (new patients be there before 4)
Fri: 9-5 (new patients be there before 4)
Sat: 9-12 (new patients be there before 10)
As far as pricing, your first visit will consist of a $20 doctors visit, and $50 for the cost of your prescription --  for a total of $70.
The first visit consists of getting your weight, height, body fat, water weight, etc. and visiting with the doctor about your goals, instructions, and about the pills themselves. It is super simple.
The only other cost associated would be the lab work. That is $50. Before they allow you to pick up your second prescription, you will need to have blood drawn and tested. They draw 3 vials to make sure that you have enough blood cells, that your thyroid is working right, and test a few other things---basically to make sure that you are healthy enough to take the pills and that you do not have any underlying conditions that would restrict the pills effectiveness or other things. If you've had all the required blood tests in the last year (or something?) you can just have those results sent to them and they won't charge you anything. If you havent had blood taken, the cost to get bloodwork done through RML and then pay at Calorie Counter would be $50. You pay the $50 at Calorie Counter after you get the order sent to RML (regional medical labs---part of St. Johns) nad after you get your blood taken. 
They say you can also go through your primary doctor and have him/her refer you to get the tests, which can go through your insurance if you have any, and might be cheaper. I do not honestly know about this because I just went through Calorie Counter.
As far as discounts go, they dont really offer any. If you tell them that I referred you, you will get a $10 discount, which makes your first visit $60 and every visit after only $50 for pills.
You can get a $10 off PER REFERRAL that you send to the clinic. So, if you go get the pills this month and get $10 off, you and I both will get a $10 referral -- so after your initial visit if you refer anything you and your referee will receive the discount. This is great for your first visit -- hello discount for both of us! Other referrals you get can be put towards your pills, so they could be $40/mo or cheaper, depending. Its sweet. 
I would still recommend this to ANYONE--- without the referral or the bonus $10 off. It is worth the $70 for your fist visit and $50 for drawing blood (to make sure yoou're healthy!) and the $50/month for the pills full price --- but who doenst want/need a discount?! I know I do! I seriously know (for certain, for me personally, at least) this stuff works!! I honestly don't care about the $10 savings, thats lunch $ -- overall, its more about how awesome the results I have had are, and that I would share it with anyone else who wants to lose any weight!
BUUUUTT, if you are interested in saving that initial $10 and making your first visit $60 instead of $70, put me down (Paula Blalock) as a referral! Hello win-win! =)
Thats it! All the basic information that I have! Let me know if you refer me, or have any questions at all about PHEN or my experience so far!

.....side effects!?

**WARNING! Please do not read further if you hate hearing/reading about bodily functions, everyday struggles, bad habits, etc. What I have to say is from my real experience, and I am not going to sugar coat what I am going through on this journey -- and especially not on this post. This is meant for information in general and on the side effects written for other people interested in or currently taking Phentermine - based on my experience (and the experiences of some friends I know personally also taking it)**

So, everyone already knows (if you've read anything from my blog before this post) that I am taking Phentermine (PHEN, for short). PHEN is a psychostimulant drug, similar to amphetamine, that is approved by the FDA and is used to increase energy and focus and to decrease fatigue and appetite.

Here is a link to the wiki on phentermine: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phentermine

Originally, and most commonly, PHEN is approved for and prescribed for short-term use to obese and morbidly obese persons who need an appetite suppressant (in combination with eating right, drinking LOTS of water, exercising, etc. --- a lifestyle change) to lose weight. I found out about PHEN from a friend who took it to lose about 30 pounds over a few months, and I wanted to know more...

There is a lot of information about PHEN online, especially from online vendors and from websites offering the product or more information about side effects, etc. I did a lot of looking into it before deciding to take a pill commonly known as the legal "speed" (yes, like the drug!) I also learned that it is better if you get it from a doctor than an online resource -- ONLINE PURCHASING: DON'T DO IT --- BUY IT FROM A LOCAL DOCTOR ONLY!!!!!!

Anyways, I ended up going to Calorie Counter in Owasso.

CLICK HERE <previous post!> to get the scoop on Calorie Counter -- its contact info, hours, costs, requirements, etc.

Here is some basic information about physically taking PHEN and what I get out of it:
The doctor recommends taking 1/2 of the pill early in the morning and 1/2 later in the day for a few days if you have concerns about taking the pill or how it will effect you -- but I started off with and still do take my (entire) PHEN pill about 9 or 9:30 am every day. I thought about doing 1/2 at a time, but after reading some reviews I realized that it would effect me differently than taking the entire thing (read below for explanation) and I would rather take it all at once, early in the morning.
I don't get hungry throughout the day---- like at all. I have to remember to remind myself to eat, and if I do get hungry, its normally mid-late afternoon around 4 or 5. PHEN is really incredible -- for the FIRST time in my life (literally) I can go throughout the day without my tummy rumbling or me wanting to snack. I don't event take lunch at work anymore because I don't even THINK about food. Its seriously incredible.
Okay, so that is the jist of information about PHEN and taking the pill... now let me get down to the nitty gritty --- what all of you that are interested in taking PHEN want to know. Many people have asked me about all of this in a private email/message, so I thought I would address it all together. If you have more questions, feel free to still message/email/text me/whatever!
I am not shy or weird about being open and talking about anything at all really.. (the good, the bad, the gross, the ugly, etc.) so I am going to say it how it is, use yucky words, and talk openly with you about the side effects I have had and do have with taking PHEN. I hope you learn from my personal experience and do your own research before deciding if you want to/don't want to taken PHEN if you are on a weight loss journey like myself.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent -- or at least kept anonymous for personal reasons. However, all the people I talk about are real people I talk to and know personally -- Nothing fake here -- only the REAL DEAL, ladies and gentlemen!
Here they are:
  • Heightened awareness of energy -- I don't feel jittery (like *SARA did) but I really don't have a big reaction to caffeine like normal people. I can drink redbull and coffee and, while it does give me a bit more energy, I do not get shaky or jittery and I can literally fall asleep right after a few cups of coffee! Ha! However, I do have this weird amount of energy from PHEN that I almost can describe as like energy flowing through my veins? I don't know -- its so strange! Its just like my body is always ready to move and do something. Almost a tingle or a fuzz feeling in my veins, but not --- I wish I could tell you exactly, but I don't know how... It isn't a scary feeling or bad, it is just different.
  • Sleep loss -- About the first 2-3 weeks of taking the pill I definitely lost sleep. Maybe it was because of the energy? Like I mentioned earlier, the doctor mentioned that if you take 1/2 now and 1/2 later, that it would allow you to see changes and make adjustments depending on the way that it makes you feel. However, the pill gives you so much energy, I was afraid to wait longer in the day to take the other half for fear that I might not sleep. I did lots of reading online about user reviews and experiences, and many said taking the full pill wasn't bad at all, and that it actually worked better for them in terms of seeing results, and that it was better because they could use the energy the full pill gave them throughout the day so they could sleep easier/better at night. I recommend taking the ENTIRE pill the earlier in the morning you can (I do mine at 9:30 every day) because it gives you a lot of energy. If you need to go to bed at like 10, you might not be tired or able to fall asleep at all until 2-3am or later in the morning, especially when you first start taking it. It was really a struggle at first. Even if I could lay in bed and fall asleep, I had trouble staying asleep. There for about a week or so I woke up every morning at about 3am and not be able to go to back to sleep. I had to fix this issue --- I sure do love sleeping! I have another friend with sleeping problems so I asked her about how she goes to sleep -- she said go to walmart and buy generic Unisom (non-habit-forming and only $4!) and take one or two an hour or two before you need to go to sleep. Sure enough, they work like a charm. One didn't do much for me; then I tried taking two,  about an hour before bed. Taking two allows me to fall asleep pretty easily once they really kick in. I definitely recommend looking into them. I will never go without them for the rest of my life -- even if I'm not on PHEN. They really did help met get sleepy, fall asleep, and stay asleep when I normally couldn't because I had so much energy. I still have to take them sometimes... especially if I am not tired at all after a workout. Mostly, the bulk of my sleeping issues were in the first couple weeks or month.
  • Heartbeat -- Definitely a more noticeable change/side effect for me would be my heartbeat. I think it is ULTRA important for anyone taking PHEN (or any other medication, for that matter) to monitor their body, know what is normal, and check for differences that could be caused by that medication. This was something that I noticed right away. Near the end of month one until about the end of month two, I would (occasionally) have a deep, hard, loud heartbeat. Normally I, personally, cannot "hear" my own heartbeat unless I have ran or some something to make it beat louder/harder. However, sometimes randomly I would just be sitting at my desk and my heart would beat three or four times, really hard, really slowly, and I could hear it in my head. It was strange, and scary at first. Heart palpitations are also listed as a known side effect --- one that isn't too bad, definitely noticeable though.  Heart palpitations are common and happen many times in people in good health. I wondered about this --  and learned that as long as I know my body and will go to a doctor if it happens on a more regular basis or distracts me from what I am doing, then I should be okay. Hopefully this is correct. I mentioned it to the doctor, and they said I was healthy -- so I am not too worried about it. They have also basically stopped -- I cant remember the last time I felt one... so that's good too!
  • Constipation/Stomach cramps -- A somewhat serious side effect that I have had is being able to use the restroom, specifically, going poo (#2)! Ha! ..This also gave me some wonderful stomach cramps! Booo!! Many posts are online about this, and it is listed as a specific side effect of the medication -- *SAM and I both had this problem as well. It's like at first everything is fine (or whatever your "normal" is) and then after you really lose your appetite and slow down eating (because you're never hungry and you 'e no longer thinking about food) your metabolism slows slightly. Of course, it is also sped up because that's what the pill does and gives you more energy. Aaaaanyyways, its like you eat less and your body freaks out and really, for about weeks 2 and 3 I was constantly bloated feeling and barely ever went to the bathroom other than to pee. I was losing weight but didn't feel good --- and I didn't know what was going on. I searched around and realized that the pill could be the culprit of my feeling gross and causing my inability to regularly go #2, and decided to get the 4$ bottle of equate walmart (haha I love cheap stuff!!!) stool softener. I took it once and everything was basically fine after. I've taken it a few more times too. Really, its just remembering to eat less but to actually eat that really helps. I also try to, when I noticed that I've accidentally skipped lunch (I SWEAR IT HAPPENS because I don't think about food all the time and I'm not hungry) that I eat a Fiber One - Oats and Chocolate bar. They are suuuuper delicious and definitely help to regulate your digestive system. When *SAM figured this out she was glad to know that I already had solved (basically) the problem and she told me she has been eating them basically every day for breakfast. Its really good for you and healthy to get the healthy fiber --- and definitely helps if you encounter this side effect. Basically, just remember to eat (if you don't your digestive tract will slow down... bad news!) and when you can, take a fiber supplement!
  • Dry mouth & Cheek biting -- Ugh. Ive always heard of the side effect "dry mouth" on pills and for medications -- but I had, in almost 25 years of life, not experienced it at all. I mean, sure, Ive been thirsty before, but I definitely haven't experienced a "cotton mouth" as a side effect......UNTIL NOW!! My mouth is sooo dry. All the time. like seriously---ALLLL THEEEE TIIIIIIMEEE!! Its not dry like "I need a drink" dry, but is more than that. I have to constantly drink water, have something around me, and I have even ended up keeping gum and mints and little sours in my purse with me at all times because my mouth gets sooo dry I have do eat something to keep it moist. It is really irritating. One SUUUUPER annoying <BAD!> habit that I have developed from this dry-mouth is cheek biting. I don't know why I do it. I have to move my mouth to the left and to the right... I cant control it and I never ever used to do it. My cheeks are irritated and dry -- even though I keep things in my mouth and I drink a lot. I definitely need to talk to the doctor about it next time I go get a refill. My boyfriend notices it and teases me, but it really bothers me. I know it looks goofy, switching my mouth from side to side --- but, more importantly, it is bad for my mouth! I have a greater chance of damaging my skin cells, damaging saliva glands, and really, who wants to chew on their cheeks?! Ugh. Like I said, I never used to do this --- and it started only a few weeks after I started taking PHEN, about how long it took for the sever dry mouth to kick in. If I get some answers from the doctor or find anything else out I will keep you updated!
For now, that is pretty much the bulk of any issues that I have/did have when taking PHEN. I really hope that you use this information, along with research you do on your own, before you take PHEN as well as take notice of these things if you are already on or getting ready to start PHEN. Even if this isn't the last of it, or if I resolve my silly dry mouth issues, I will definitely update this!

For me, these side effects are worth the journey that I am on and are worth dealing with to give me more energy and less of an appetite to help give me that little more motivation and boost to lose weight.

Feel free to email/comment/message me about any other questions that you may have 
--- or really anything else at all! I am an open book! =)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

WEIGH IN Wednesday!

It's WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY and I'm totally excited to see what the scale says!!
I've being hitting the gym, eating clean, and drinking 100+oz of water most every day for a week and I do honestly feel better. My eating habits are better (I eat less and better, healthier foods), I'm exercising harder and dying less when I do so. I'm not even craving the junk food and soda like I used to...
Last month I dropped some major poundage, all of it has stayed off, but I havent made any real major losses in the past two weeks. Last Monday I was at 149 in the morning and by Friday was back to 151 (it was a lot of water weight probably, but still, I only want to see the numbers go down on the scale).

This monday I weighed and hit the scale at 148, which is 1 pound loss! WAHOO!

Today, WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY, I came to the scale at 147!! 
YESSS - ANOTHER POUND!!  (small victories, right?)

That is a  total of 27 pounds lost! Plus, I have lost another inch in my natural waist, one more around my belly button waist, and another inch lost in my hips! Gosh -- It feels nice to be (and be staying in) the 140s! I can't wait until I hit the 139 mark!!! I could just scream like a little girl! Hahaha!

93 days down -- and many more to go!
71 Phentermine pills swallowed!
3 dress /pant sizes lost - size 14 to size 8!!
27 pounds lost!!
I must admit that I am pretty excited about how far I have come and where I am headed! 
I've got some serious work to do on those "wimpy water guns" that I call arms, my thighs, my tummy, my butt, and the lovely cellulite (---naughty words like cellulite (EEK!) shouldn't be posted on blogs, I knoooow, ha!). *said in HULK voice* >>> TIME TO TONE!
Anyway, I am still happy with this weeks outcome and am going to work hard to make the numbers continue in the right direction for the next week!

Current Photos:
Comparison Photos (Day 1 and Day 93)
WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY, Thank you for being good to me!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

PAULA SAGGYBOTTOM -- in the adventures of the FAT PANTS!

Im getting rid of them this week. Yes, gone, adios, bye bye!

Im managing to get rid of over 5 pairs of dress slacks and 5 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of shorts, and LOTS of tops, bathing suits, dresses, etc. yes, it sucks because I LITERALLY have two pairs of jeans (see prev. post about gap and vanity jeans!) and one pair of slacks, zero real shorts for the summer (and no, NORTS dont count!) and a handfull of shirts to wear now. It sucks because I almost have nothing to wear. I feel like the bum that wears the same 5 outfits in a row every week to work. I feel frumpy, like nothing fits. UGHHH FAILLLL!!

Then again... I feel incredible. I feel awesome. Its a stupid-awesome feeling when I can't fit into aaaanyyyy of my clothes because i've lost so much weight! I know I look like a loser with no clothes, but right now, today,
*insert winner crossing the finish line/determination music here, LOL*
I dont care!!!!  FREEEEEDOMMMMMM!!!

Lately, I've been struggling with the thought of...

"I would rather be fat and have back all my clothes,
 than be skinny and have basically absolutely nothing to wear!"
It is much better to lose weight, look frumpy in fat clothes, get RID (yes, RID----PERMANENTLY!! THERE'S NO GOING BACK NOW!!) of your fat clothes, wear the same outfit for a month or two, all while saving up money to buy a new outfit here or there...than it is to be fat, unhealthy, unable, unhappy, unmotivated, etc...the list goes on and on and on....

I think KNOW that I am through with that duuuuuumb thought.
I am going to embrace the new, healthier, skiiiinnier me, even if that means looking like a bum for a while in old/baggy clothes, or wearing the same outfits.

But hey! Nor more PAULA SAGGY BOTTOM and no more looking like I just SHAT myself with my fat jeans. Hooray!!

I'll eventually replace my entire wardrobe (shirts, jeans, slacks, tops, dresses, undies, shoes, etc.)  and everything will be back to normal a NEW NORMAL for me!

.....aaaaaand, haha -- if you hear of anyone (i.e. person, company, blogger, etc.) that is donating/giving away/hosting a contest for a shopping spree, let me know!
I hear about these all the time and immediately enter! I'll jump on over there and do some
entering!I'm normally decent at winning random things--- and this time clothes and
gift certificates are my "enter/like/follow to win" item of choice!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Am I sabotaging myself?

Am sabotaging myself?
As far as losing weight goes.... this is not my first rodeo.
I lost weight in high school. I lost weight in college. I lost weight when I first met Hunter.
Every time I've lost weight in the past, I just did it. Period. I was at my "breaking point" - I had either cried to my mom, cried to a friend, or cried to myself -- I HAD IT when it came to being fat, so I just lost weight. There were no worries that I'd never meet my goal (which was always realistic, not too much of a real "goal" looking back now). I simply put my mind to it and got it done; however, the goals I set for myself were temporary. It was never to lead a healthier lifestyle or to make real changes - It was to work my butt off and lose some weight. How much? I never set a goal. To keep it off? Well, that was the plan but I never put that plan into motion - EVER.
Today was the first time I finally realized I feel like I actually have an idea of where I want to be, what I want to look like, and have set specific, realistic, and attainable goals for myself. This time around, it wasnt just "to get skinny" or to "stop feeling gross." This time it is to GET HEALTHY and STAY HEALTHY -- for me, for my health, for my future, for my <future, as in not planning yet, but someday, duh!> children. This isn't one of those times I was fat and wanted just to "get skinny." I actually have a plan and goals---and this time, I am going to stick to them -- indefinitely.
I've been bouncing around about 20 pounds for the last 5 years. At 170, down to 155, up to 170, up to 180, down to 170, up to 185, down to 160.....and the cycle continues. It's annoying, it's discouraging, and it's embarrassing. I've had friends and people tell me that I've inspired them to get healthy and get moving and there I go again, letting my hard work go and slipping back into my fat pants.

This weekend wasnt exactly pretty... it was more of a trainwreck -- on Saturday at least.
Every day this weekend I told myself "ok paula. Its time to get out of bed. Just get out of bed, throw on those comfortable workout pants, get in the car, and drive to the gym." They always say the hardest part is acutally getting there - and I believe it. Did I listen to myself? Did I get out of bed, yes. Did I go straight to the gym? No. Instead, I met my friend at the mall, had a kids meal of chicken strips, tea, and fries, walked around for 4 hours, tried on some cool clothes, then went to a friends house for dinner where I had a one hard taco, rice, guacamole, beans, cheese, and tortilla chips. It was delicious, but it was a more-than-generous portion and I was more-than-full when I left. I wasn't stuffed or anything, but I know that I could have and should have made better dinner choices.

Yet, the whole time this eating was occurring, I knew it was bad. I was mentally telling myself to stop, but I didn't. Paula - you're going to gain back the weight. You're going to feel like crap after this delicious small fry and deep-friend chicken strips. You should have just went to subway! Why didnt you just grab something more healthy? You know better! But I kept eating. After all, I was only eating the small kids meal, and I was planning on walking the mall for a few hours - It isn't that bad, is it?
I told myself yesterday I was going to go back to the detox, drink at least 100oz of water, and try to get things straightened back out. The morning went great - I had my fiber bar and 4 1/2 - 24oz bottles of water. Oh yeah... I got a new water bottle at TJMAXX for $7.99. The bottle is irradescent pink and has a clip to hang keys, rings, etc on as well as a mouthpiece with a straw -- and came with extra straws. It defintely helps me to have a nice, portable, reusable bottle for water, and is even better that it has a straw. For me, personally, it helps me mindlessly suck it down.

I didn't make it to the gym, but instead decided to try something new and do Bikram Yoga (hot yoga.) See other post for info/details.
The yoga was quite an experience but I am pretty sure that I would do it again. After a crap-tacular day Saturday of eating what I shouldn't, I cooked some healthy stuff on Sunday for the week, and today I got back on that weight loss wagon. Tomorrow is day two of 100+oz of water, as well as eating clean and working out. I have plans to hit the gym with Joanna tomorrow, and I am starting a weight loss circuit with Sasha later this evening to help build up my legs, butt, and arms! Here's to hoping for some results with that.

My point is, everyone says that you should have one cheat day per week. I sometimes have 2-3, sometimes I have none or 1. It really doens't matter because, for the most part, I am going to do what I want to you - and so will you. I think about what I really did ---  one taco and some sides? Not bad. This time last year I would have eaten 2 tacos, a large helping of rice, a soda (instead of water) and much more sides than I had. I would have had the 3-4 piece medium chicken strips, fries, texas toast, and large drinks. Of course, I still cheated, but I was aware of what I was doing. It wasnt mindless. I knew I should have went to subway. I knew I shouldnt have eaten those chips - but I did. And thats ok. I dont want to put myself to someone elses standards of when I can eat, what I can eat, etc. I know that I need a calorie deficit to lose weight. I know to eat less. I know to exercise more.
Maybe this past Saturday wasn't such a train wreck after all... Yes, It could have been better.

..am I really sabotoging myself? Maybe in a small way - but this time I knew better where, before, I didn't truly know. The gains that I have made are so much more. I've learned a lot, and lost a lot--- with much more of both to come. 

I want to feel healthy. I want to feel strong. I want to appreciate myself again for more than just how I appear on the surface. Learning, making mistakes, making up for them, and making better choices in the future is a bumpy part of the road that I wasn't prepared for, yet, i've been down this road and I really should be more prepared.

Here's to continued mistakes and "train wreck" splurges, learning, and making better decisions.
Here's to my journey -  to my fit, healthy, happy, educational future!