Monday, March 25, 2013

Am I sabotaging myself?

Am sabotaging myself?
As far as losing weight goes.... this is not my first rodeo.
I lost weight in high school. I lost weight in college. I lost weight when I first met Hunter.
Every time I've lost weight in the past, I just did it. Period. I was at my "breaking point" - I had either cried to my mom, cried to a friend, or cried to myself -- I HAD IT when it came to being fat, so I just lost weight. There were no worries that I'd never meet my goal (which was always realistic, not too much of a real "goal" looking back now). I simply put my mind to it and got it done; however, the goals I set for myself were temporary. It was never to lead a healthier lifestyle or to make real changes - It was to work my butt off and lose some weight. How much? I never set a goal. To keep it off? Well, that was the plan but I never put that plan into motion - EVER.
Today was the first time I finally realized I feel like I actually have an idea of where I want to be, what I want to look like, and have set specific, realistic, and attainable goals for myself. This time around, it wasnt just "to get skinny" or to "stop feeling gross." This time it is to GET HEALTHY and STAY HEALTHY -- for me, for my health, for my future, for my <future, as in not planning yet, but someday, duh!> children. This isn't one of those times I was fat and wanted just to "get skinny." I actually have a plan and goals---and this time, I am going to stick to them -- indefinitely.
I've been bouncing around about 20 pounds for the last 5 years. At 170, down to 155, up to 170, up to 180, down to 170, up to 185, down to 160.....and the cycle continues. It's annoying, it's discouraging, and it's embarrassing. I've had friends and people tell me that I've inspired them to get healthy and get moving and there I go again, letting my hard work go and slipping back into my fat pants.

This weekend wasnt exactly pretty... it was more of a trainwreck -- on Saturday at least.
Every day this weekend I told myself "ok paula. Its time to get out of bed. Just get out of bed, throw on those comfortable workout pants, get in the car, and drive to the gym." They always say the hardest part is acutally getting there - and I believe it. Did I listen to myself? Did I get out of bed, yes. Did I go straight to the gym? No. Instead, I met my friend at the mall, had a kids meal of chicken strips, tea, and fries, walked around for 4 hours, tried on some cool clothes, then went to a friends house for dinner where I had a one hard taco, rice, guacamole, beans, cheese, and tortilla chips. It was delicious, but it was a more-than-generous portion and I was more-than-full when I left. I wasn't stuffed or anything, but I know that I could have and should have made better dinner choices.

Yet, the whole time this eating was occurring, I knew it was bad. I was mentally telling myself to stop, but I didn't. Paula - you're going to gain back the weight. You're going to feel like crap after this delicious small fry and deep-friend chicken strips. You should have just went to subway! Why didnt you just grab something more healthy? You know better! But I kept eating. After all, I was only eating the small kids meal, and I was planning on walking the mall for a few hours - It isn't that bad, is it?
I told myself yesterday I was going to go back to the detox, drink at least 100oz of water, and try to get things straightened back out. The morning went great - I had my fiber bar and 4 1/2 - 24oz bottles of water. Oh yeah... I got a new water bottle at TJMAXX for $7.99. The bottle is irradescent pink and has a clip to hang keys, rings, etc on as well as a mouthpiece with a straw -- and came with extra straws. It defintely helps me to have a nice, portable, reusable bottle for water, and is even better that it has a straw. For me, personally, it helps me mindlessly suck it down.

I didn't make it to the gym, but instead decided to try something new and do Bikram Yoga (hot yoga.) See other post for info/details.
The yoga was quite an experience but I am pretty sure that I would do it again. After a crap-tacular day Saturday of eating what I shouldn't, I cooked some healthy stuff on Sunday for the week, and today I got back on that weight loss wagon. Tomorrow is day two of 100+oz of water, as well as eating clean and working out. I have plans to hit the gym with Joanna tomorrow, and I am starting a weight loss circuit with Sasha later this evening to help build up my legs, butt, and arms! Here's to hoping for some results with that.

My point is, everyone says that you should have one cheat day per week. I sometimes have 2-3, sometimes I have none or 1. It really doens't matter because, for the most part, I am going to do what I want to you - and so will you. I think about what I really did ---  one taco and some sides? Not bad. This time last year I would have eaten 2 tacos, a large helping of rice, a soda (instead of water) and much more sides than I had. I would have had the 3-4 piece medium chicken strips, fries, texas toast, and large drinks. Of course, I still cheated, but I was aware of what I was doing. It wasnt mindless. I knew I should have went to subway. I knew I shouldnt have eaten those chips - but I did. And thats ok. I dont want to put myself to someone elses standards of when I can eat, what I can eat, etc. I know that I need a calorie deficit to lose weight. I know to eat less. I know to exercise more.
Maybe this past Saturday wasn't such a train wreck after all... Yes, It could have been better. I really sabotoging myself? Maybe in a small way - but this time I knew better where, before, I didn't truly know. The gains that I have made are so much more. I've learned a lot, and lost a lot--- with much more of both to come. 

I want to feel healthy. I want to feel strong. I want to appreciate myself again for more than just how I appear on the surface. Learning, making mistakes, making up for them, and making better choices in the future is a bumpy part of the road that I wasn't prepared for, yet, i've been down this road and I really should be more prepared.

Here's to continued mistakes and "train wreck" splurges, learning, and making better decisions.
Here's to my journey -  to my fit, healthy, happy, educational future!

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