Monday, June 27, 2016

Boxes & Tears

As I sit here, unfolding and taping boxes together to put the contents of my life in, I want to cry but the tears seem to get stuck. 

Life is continuing - but I cannot understand nor can I process what I am doing or the surroundings and situation that I currently find myself in. 


Two months ago I was making us dinner, folding our laundry, planning date nights, dreaming of vacations, wondering when we might be able to start a family in the home we bought together....and thinking about OUR future.

Today, I said on my living room floor unpacking, unfolding, taping, and preparing boxes so that I alone can move forward with MY future. 

My future. 
My solo departure. 

The path that now no longer includes my beautiful home, the man that I love, the pets I treated as mine, or the set of cookware gifted to us by family. 

I feel sorry for myself.
Sorry that I dreamed big.
Sorry that my wishes are no longer reality.
Sorry that the future I was building fell apart.
Sorry that I should've known better.
Sorry that I didn't see it coming.
Sorry that I'm barely functioning - faking and soaking in the last minutes in this home but knowing tomorrow may change everything. 

I'm afraid. 

The hardest part isnt walking away from a relationship that isn't working. 

The hardest part was stepping forward, small step by small step, towards a completely unknown future. Simply sitting in my living room, folding, taping, and setting up boxes to put the contents of my life in so that I can start this new future without my best friend. 

I know I should do this. 
I know I can do it.
I know eventually I will be OK.

Right now, as I sit on the soft carpet lit by the sun of the big picture windows in my living room, I can't help but tear up and wish it all wasn't happening... 

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