FAT - to - FEELIN' FAB FRIDAY!

Here it is!
(I missed transformation Tuesday so I made up my own catchy day/photo phrase --- because I'm cheesy like that)

It's great to get motivation from other people --- but when I see photos like this I seriously can't believe this   is   WAS me.

In the famous words of Bob Dylan --

 

 "FOR THE TIMES, THEY ARE A CHANGIN!"

 

 

If you can't say something nice.... RANT ALERT!

....isn't the ultimate goal in life to "BE HAPPY" ??

"If you're not happy with YOURSELF,  then how can you be happy with anyone else"

 

"Don't worry be happy"

 

 

 

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy"

 

 

This is not fair.

 

 

 

I'm seriously so angry right now! =(

....Even more, I am mad at myself for letting their words upset me.

This is not fair -- and I do not have to put up with it, nor do I have to feel bad for the things people say to me.

 

A wise woman once said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Its about time I start taking her advice!

 

It doesnt matter what you think. If I wanted your NEGATIVE opinion I would ask for it.

But I didn't ask, did I?

................................................NO. I certainly did not.

 

For the FIRST time in my life (since about 4th grade) I finally love myself. I am happy. I feel happy. I FEEL PROUD OF MYSELF --- and dangit, I FEEL GOOD.

 

I have an education, a great job that I love, I am finally making some money, I have a nice place to live and a nice car and I can afford nice things and to save money, I have some good friends, a good family, a fantastic/supportive boyfriend, and I feel good about the way that I look (specifically, physically) now more than I ever have in my entire life.

 

I feel so pretty sometimes (haha!) --- like when I look in the mirror I dont see a whale anymore. I can afford and fit into nice clothes. I can,  every most days, walk past a mirror and think to myself "wow -- you've come a long way! You look great! Look at your butt -- it actually has some shape! You've still got some work to do but girl look at you! Oh... is that a new skirt?!? Ooooo girl --- STRUT THAT!!"

 

(you think i'm joking..... but Im totally not...)

 

It makes me so mad that one persons comment can make all of those good feeling FLY OUT THE FREAKING WINDOW!! UGH!

 

.................................So, all that to tell you what happened to make me want to SCREAM:

 

I'm sitting at work today and this guy walks into my office and stares at me.

I said "hey! What's up?!"

He just looks at me with a concerned face and says "uh... are your parents around?

I said "no." <I've been on my own since I was 17 - supporting myself completely. My daddy died when I was 16 and my mom lives in a different state...>

He said "okay, well I am going to take their place and tell you that you're losing too much weight."

He just stared at me.

I said "oh... uh... well, actually, uhmmm..." <cool.. I love when I studder! Perfect timing - hahaha!>

 

My mind went blank and I wanted to SCREAM at him. I wanted to ask him why he thought that. He didn't know me. He didn't know how big -- and most importantly, UNHEALTHY --  that I had been for soooo many years. He didn't know about the mental and physical struggles I've had over the past however-many years ---- always being the "fat girl with the great personality" or the "smart chubby girl who sits in the front of the class."

All he knew was that I used to be bigger, and now he could see my facial structure and my collar bones (one of the most attractive body parts on a woman, in my opinion!!!).

Just because my collar bones show or becuase my fat doesnt fold over my pants anymore does NOT mean that I am "losing too much weight."

 

My mind, still filled with anger and shock, pulled itself together for a measley four seconds and I mustered up the words "....thank you for your opinion."

 

He continued to stare blankly, said "yeah," and backed out of my office.

 

DONE.

 

In a matter of 1 minute I went from being the girl that felt pretty -- because when I was leaving the house this morning, after putting on a black cotton dress, I  kissed my boyfriend goodbye and he said "you look very nice today" --- to feeling like I had no control in a situation in which someone could CRITICIZE me and make me feel like I had a problem         --- like being healthy and skinny was a PROBLEM that he felt like he needed to address!! WHAT!?!?!?

 

I pulled myself together, held my breath, and walked hastily to the bathroom --- where I sat down in the ugly green chair in the corner..............and started BALLING.

 

This isnt the first time that this has happened either. Crappy, right?! =(

 

I text a family member these two photos of me <see below> the other day and that person responded with "Dang! Looking good! Dont need to lose any more weight though"

Really......Did you HAVE to put that at the end?

You couldn't just be happy for me and tell me that I look good?

You felt the need to warn me and criticize me?

No thank you. I don't need to listen to that.

 

 

 

 

 

I got a facebook mesage from a different family member that said "I think you look fabulous, and i can totally relate to that exhilaration when you get back down to a size you thought you'd never see. I just want you to be healthy and not become obsessed with your image. You do not need to be any smaller. You'll look skeletal with your bone structure. You're a woman. Embrace your curves! Also, you said you'd never been a 6 as a teen or adult. so, yes, it scares me that you might be going too extreme."

 

Okay, I can understand your concern if I had dropped 100 pounds in a month for no reason by completely not eating or becoming anorexic or bulemic --- but losing 31 pounds and 3 dress sizes total over the course of 6 months is NOT a cause for concern. Really, I know you care and that you are only saying these things because of that... but I don't get it. I've never been this size before becuase I've always been fat -- I've always eaten too much and moved too little.

 

Still yet, these aren't the first remarks about my looks or my weight loss -- and I KNOW that, unfortunately, they are not the last.

 

People should know -- I am an educated, strong, smart, independent woman. I try not to make stupid decisions. I know how to make healthy choices. I know not to go all wacko and try to fit into a size 0 in one month. I KNOW for goodness sakes I KNOW!! 

 

I'm not saying that I am not going to make mistakes, because I will --- but what I am saying is that I LEAD MY OWN LIFE.

 

I AM, like everyone else in this world, TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY -- AND IF THAT MEANS LOSING 31 POUNDS, 3 DRESS SIZES, and WORKING MY ASS OFF TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF THEN DAMNIT THATS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO - AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I DONT NEED YOUR NEGATIVE WORDS OR THOUGHTS WHEN I DO IT.

 

I am a grown woman -- and I feel pretty!

 

 

If you don't have something nice to say, then DONT SAY IT AT ALL -- BECAUSE (unless I ask for your honest opinion) I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT.

 

 

So, self:

Time to suck up these tears and forget about it.

 

Time to learn that people are always going to criticize and judge me for BOTH my good and bad choices.

 

Time to move on, and realize there are more important things in life than LETTING YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP FOR MAKING GOOD CHOICES!! UGHH!

 

Time to go back to my blog, instagram, facebook page, friends, family, and everyone else who knows what I've been through, what I want to accomplish (with my weight or anyyyything else) and read/listen to their positive thoughts and words.

 

Time to feel pretty again.

 

RANT OVER.

 

Drop it like its SQUAT!

30 day challenge, anyone?! Well I'm in! Here I gooooo!

instagram - paulablalock

@erin_morgan   &&   #erin_morgan

I'm BIG BONED!!!

Big Boned.

Thats what people (parents, friends, family, neighbors...everyone!) tell larger people when they complain about their weight or talk about getting skinny. It's all a way to make larger people feel better about themselves, their weight, and their body frame (in my experience, at least!) Thats what I was told my whole life.

I can't tell you how many times growing up that I heard "you're not fat.. if anything, you're chubby... you're a growing girl ...and you're big boned! You will never look good at a size 4 or size 6 or a size 8. You're just meant to be bigger. Maybe a 10 ... yes, you would be perfect at a size 10...." and then the conversation would trail off into something else... and I would be left wondering if I ever could be a size 4, 6, 8, or heck -- even if I would ever make it to a size 10!

I’ve been trying, off and on, for years to eat better and to take care of myself. Yo-Yo dieting has become quite the hobby over the past 8 or so years. I've always seen people that are so tall and super thin - thin being just the opposite of me. I was always jealous of their amazing metabolism and general lack of fat, not to mention the fact that they could basically eat whatever they wanted to and not have to worry about gaining weight. I, on the other hand, seemed to always gain 10 pounds after sniffing a cookie. Ha!

Was it my metabolism after all? Or what about my thyroid?! Of course! That had to be it! Issues with those two things could be the answer to why I was fat!

Turns out, my metabolism was probably quite normal, considering my activity level and weight. I even had my thyroid checked, making sure that it wasnt m body sabotoging itself and making me fat (funny, right?!) ....but guess what -- that came out normal too! In fact, I am pretty sure, at this point, I just felt like it was impossible for me to be thin, skinny, a size 10 or 8 or 6 or 4, or even healthy. 

.............................Well, there goes that excuse!

Just about every female in my family, extended too – is overweight, if not "obese". However, looking at old photos – they did not start out that way. In fact almost all of my relatives were slender and active in their younger days. All very skinng, active, and gosh, very beautiful -- so it’s not in my DNA either. Great.

.......................Excuse number two down the drain!

When I was a kid, after about 4th grade, I was never really ever skinny. I’m built like a mountain side, broad and curvy… (You like that one?) I’ve always had a very pronounced pear shape (smaller on top, larger on bottom), even when I was at my heaviest (210 - OUCH) and that led me to think that it was okay for me to be that big, because I just didn’t look THAT big. (haha, there I go again with the jokes!) People where floored when they would find out how much I weighed, I just happen to carry it better then someone else...right?

So then I told myself, well, I am just big boned.

Well, Ive been to the doctor a few times lately, and what I am beginning to realise is that NO, I am not big boned.  Not big --- just average. (For reference, I’m 5'7" tall with a wrist measurement of 6.5 inches.)

................................Adios excuse numero tres!!!

So if it’s not my thyroid or my DNA, nor I’m not big boned – what’s wrong with me? Why was I so big?

...........................Are you ready for the shocking answer?

I ate too much and I moved too little

Yep!!

..........Absolutely unbelievable, I know!

Who would have guessed that the secret to my success in weight loss would be logging my calories, moving my large behind, and taking phentermine to curb my appetite and habits of eating... a lot.... all the time??
Anyone with half a brain. No seriously.

So... this whole "big boned" business is all a lie? Well, it looks like it! I love this photo that really illustrate that your "big-ness" really isnt bones... its some muscle and a lot of fat (in my case) piled on top of those regular-size bones!

 

Lets get this straight, I am not "skinny" just yet -- and by no means do I have a "bangin' body"  either.... but HECK! THIS IS WHAT I CALL PROGRESS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!

143.2 today and finally in a size 6!

Just bought two new pairs of jeans, one new pair of slacks, and a pair of slim-fit shorts from Gap =)

...........If I hit the 130s I believe I will cry!

So much for living up to everyones expectations of continuing to be "big boned" and never fitting into a size 10 (CHECK) or a size 8 (CHECK) or a size 6 (CHECK!!). I am so excited -- and I never thought this would happen. Well, it didnt just "happen," technically. I made it happen and I am so glad that I have!

I challenge you not to listen to other people. Do what you want and do what you can to make yourself happy.

Like the cheerios bee says "bee happy, bee healthy!" and dont listen to anyone who says that you are "big boned" and if you do listen, don't feel like you have to live up to that -- because, chances are, you have normal sized bones and you can be/look like whatever you want.... and let me stress that what you are/want to be/look like is ENTIRELY up to you.

 

Happy Monday!

Getting over my latest TRAINWRECK (DAY #1) .... and a little {WIW}

Talk about a trainwreck!!   

That's what I have been for the last, oooohh, month or so!

It all started about April 24th, when the A Brush with Kindness project kicked into hardcore gear at work. I was used to working 7-8 hour days, but immmediately was thrown into working an average of 10 hour days. This cut down my free time and unfortunately, working out was thrown on the backburner. Shame on me. I also decided that I wanted to take a semi-break from phen since I had heard that your body can only take it for so long before its effects lessened, which is something that I was already feeling!

So I'm sitting here, the end of April, working like a crazy woman, not exercising, and being hungry! Gosh! What a big fat excuse, huh?!

Anyways, for the next week I was kicked into high gear at work, I didn't eat really at all, I didn't drink water like I should, and I definitely wasn't going to the gym. The week of the Apr 29-May 3 I was up to working about 14 - 15 hours per day (some people do this... this IS NOT normal for me and, let me tell you, is a HUGE adjustment!!)
When I wasn't sleeping I was working, and when I was working I didn't have time to prepare food -- so I ate out. I had jimmy johns and chips and pizza and snacks and hotdogs and whatever else was "around" on the worksite or at home. I didn't want to cook. I didn't want to try to eat right. I was pooped and my body was only feeling worse because I had taken it from "healthy, active, and eating right" to "fast/processed food, sitting, and unhealthy. Not to mention the 2lb bag of M&Ms sitting on my living room table that I LITERALLY had to put away so I wouldn't eat them!

Talk about a TRAINWRECK!!
I was feeling GROSS!! I felt bloated and tired and I was worried everyday that if I hit the scale it would suuuurely say +5lbs or more! I knew what I was doing to my body, but didn't act to change it. What a dumb thing to be worried about ---  this is totally something that I have control over!

TAKE CONTROL, WOMAN!! GET IT TOGETHER, PAULA! YOU CAN DO THIS!! You're in a slump and you need to PULL YOURSELF OUT!! --- This is what I should have said to myself, rather than eating a few more chips and going to bed. Ugh!

The project and me working like a horse lasted until about May 10th. Then things settled back down....somewhat. I decided, becuase I was feeling disgusting, to call Fitness Together --- a personal training company. Hunter had bought me the "3 personal training sessions" at the Habitat Gala, and I knew it was time to put them to good use. I was tired of the two weeks of bad choices, feeling icky, etc... so I called them up and had my first (and then second) appointment.
They went really well -- I now know that I LOVE personal training sessions -- and the next day I was so sore I didnt know I could get out of bed. The one thing I definitely learned there was that someone else will make you PUSH your body harder than you ever would do alone at the gym. Having a personal trainer or a gym buddy is sooooo important, not only for motivation in general, but for inspiration to push yourself further and work harder to get the results you want!

That weekend was somewhat relaxing, but then the next week I was told that I would be interviewed for a full-time position at my work doing exactly what I currently do. Things have been really stressful at work lately, and I have mixed feelings about the hiring of a new volunteer person, but I decided to apply and interview for the job anyways. What could it hurt, right?
The interview went well and I got a second interview... so waiting the 6 days for that was a nightmare. The second interview went okay, if you were wondering -- Ill keep you updated on my job status as it comes (or, potentially, goes!)

Amidst all of my bad choices in food and basic lack of any schedule of exercise, the stress of catching up from the project, the stress of trying to land my job (permanently, anyway. Right now I am on contract that ends in August -- hello unemployed!) I knew it was time to get back on those tracks and get busy with the right choices!

I ordered Advocare's 10 day cleanse and decided that it had been about 25-30 days since I had taken Phen-- so I would start that again too. ***Most importantly, of course, all of this in addition to hitting the gym and eating clean! I received my package with the cleanse last night!***

I knew I had to make a change because I didnt want to let things get out of control. I had to stop that cycle. I ordered the cleanse, received it 2 days later and started the very next morning (TODAY!)
I had fallen back into the habit of grabbing chips or candy (or whatever, really) every single time I walked through the kitchen. I had to get back to my clean eating habits. That's why I decided to do this cleanse. Yes, it is restrictive (it is a cleanse!), but I needed some restriction to get my head on straight. I needed a plan to follow that didn't leave any wiggle room. And this 10 day cleanse (I hope) is going to do that for me.

So today, {Weigh In Wednesday}! 05/22/2013, I woke up, weighted myself, took my measurements, and started on the right foot with my Vitamin B12 pill (for metabolism!), my multivitamin, 2 vitamin C pills (for immune system!), a biotin pill (for healthy hair and nails!) my phentermine, and my first Advocare fiber drink! All was well, but if you don't drink that in a rapid time, it starts to gel? It was strange, but not bad, and I just added water to it and it went back to being drinkable again haha! I read reviews on the CITRUS flavor - they say it tasted worse than the peaches in cream but worked better - so I bought the citrus flavor. It reminded me of something familiar in taste and texture, but I still don't know what! I'll let you know if I remember soon!

Here is what the Advocare citrus fiber drink looks like:

MmmmMmmMmmMMMmm.... FIBER!

I'll be updating my blog daily with reports of measurements, what I experience/think of the cleanse, and of course, my weight!

Speaking of... today IS, after all, {WIW!}

What will my weight be by the end of my cleanse? Only time will tell!

And I will leave you with this....

SOMETHING IS COMING!!!!

Change is coming.

 

Look for it tomorrow... =)

Weigh-In Wednesday & Bikini Motivation!

Hey guys! Sooo... its Wednesday again, and you know what that means --- time for me to weigh in and see if im down any more weight from last week!

When I get to the scale on Wednesday mornings I get a little (okay, for some reason I get A LOT) nervous! I think to myself "what if I have gained weight?" or "what if I haven't lost any weight at all?" AHHHH FAIIIILUREEEE!!!! 
(...just kidding. I just want to keep moving in the right direction!)

I know I should not be thinking like this --- losing weight is something that doesn't happen overnight. I am not going to wake up next wednesday, weigh myself, and see a 10 (or whatever) pound loss.  (...and if this IS actually possible, someone tell me NOW!!) That is hard for me to make myself remember. I also know that sometimes gaining weight when I am working out and dieting is a good thing, because it could mean that (supposing im eating right and working out, etc.) I am gaining muscle --- which weighs more than fat but is definitely more lean! So I might weigh more but I will still be getting more healthy, toned, and fit!! Now THAT is what I want!

I don't necessarily care about a number anymore --- I am (I think...I will reveal my actual weight in a moment) at a healthy and "normal" weight for my height according to the "based on the averages" chart. Really, what is important to me now is not necessarily making the number go down dramatically on the scale, but more of getting rid of the fat that is on my body and replacing it with more lean, functional, strong muscle!

So... the moment I've been waiting for all week... to see if I have gained/lost/remained from last Wednesday.

*insert drum roll here*

 

Weigh-In Wednesday results: 146 pounds

WAHOOO!! That is one more pound --- down from 147 last week! I know it isn't much... but like I said, its more about the overall way my body (size, shape, weight, muscle, fat, etc) is changing rather than losing a million pounds overnight! So yes, I AM FREAKING PUMPED -- and relieved to know hat the number is still continuing downward! =)

So... I hear that it is good motivation to purchase, say, a pair of jeans that is one, two, or more sizes too small -- for motivation and physical evidence of your goals. I have also heard that bathing suits are good motivation as well. I hate spending money on clothes -- so why in the heck would I buy something that DOESN'T FIT?! I mean, can't you just IMAGINE what your goal size is and work towards that and THEN purchase a nice pair of jeans or bathing suit that (for certain) fits your new size? ....maybe I've got this thought process all wrong!

I know, you're sitting there thinking duh paula - everyone knows that!!
....you're right.... Everyone DOES know that. However, its not anything that I have ever seen anyone or heard of anyone that I personally know, actually do! It's just one of those things that people talk about. I've sene people keep their fat clothes for backup or to make sure they never fit into them again.. but that is a whole different topic.

What I am saying is that, while I understand the motivation behind spending money on things that DO NOT FIT, I have never fully wanted to comitt to this motivational tool. However, this time around, I am doing things differently. This isnt my first weight-loss rodeo. Ive done this before --- but this time it will be different because this time, I WILL KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF!

So I did it.
I went to the store, and tried on a bazillion bathing suits. I found one that I thought was really cute. Of course, trying it on was great --  for the first time in my life I bought a size M bottoms! I know that I didnt look great in the bikini -- but hey! Thats what buying it for motivation is for, correct? I definitely want to tone up and get rid of my thighs, love handles, etc.,. tone up my arms... well.. you get the picture. Anyways... I thought I would share my new purchase with you! Hopefully I can write a new post sometime around June 1 with a photo of me in the bathing suit --- with a hot, fit, more toned body! =) Hello progress, determination, and motivation!

**By the way -- all my photos have no filters.. I want you to see progress... no matter how unflattering or blah it may be! ;) Totally worth showing the real thing instead of prettied-up photos so you can't see my fat or cellulite or whatever**

04/09/2013 - HAIR/ARMS DOWN!

04/09/2013 - HAIR/ARMS UP!

This bikini definitely isn't perfect on me -- and I obviously have some work to do to get "bikini ready" -- but this is a start!
.....I wish I had a bikini photo BEFORE I started this journey.. ha!
I definitely can tell (by the way I look and feel) that I have lots some major weight!

146 pounds.... and the journey continues!!